Response Cause I don’t Know Either

My good pal Lib wrote about this foreshadowy-hindsight subject and I have been mulling my own version.

I don’t hold much in common with hers.  In fact, we may well be opposites all round.

I am stuck in the now most of the time, being some twisted form of practical and efficient that takes me out of the loop of contemplating the future.  Most of the time, I am focused on immediate problems, and the extent of my “scrying” is tracking the potential outcomes of what is going on right now in my life.  Now, this can often lead into long-range speculation, but as might be noticed from my language here, I’m still pragmatic about all of it.  Very rarely do I get the emotional, personal sort of condition spun up to be of any impact. 

There are only two sorts of situations, offhand, that have ever emotionally engaged me.  One would be the fairly routine times where I am (in my opinion), the catalyst or a big player in change at my work.  I am too much of an idealist and perfectionist which just don’t jive with today’s relativistic, no-conflict sort of culture.  Drives me nuts.

Or

Something that impacts my relationship with my Wife.  Whenever we’ve had our spats or knock-down-drag-out fights, I’ve hit my all-time highs of emotional extremes.  Prior to my marriage, there were about maybe 2 episodes that killed me inside.  One was the catastrophe (at the time) with Janelle, and the other was Korea.  Both were shocks that built upon each other and I didn’t really clear the fog from them until I met Anika.  There are a couple more little shadows lingering in my little existence, but they have yet to turn to the energized sorts of events as the ones above.

Why am I blubbering all about this?  Is it on the subject?  I think so.  I’m often emotionally detached, I think, and very rarely FEEL the fear of the future, or the remorse of the past about which many, many people write and think.  What is going on now, is simply going on now.  What happened last month, is just that.  There are some items that haunt me, sure.  I wrote about that on my other blog, about failures so miserable that they come back to guilt me from time to time, but that’s not really the point.

I get trapped in thought of the future sometimes, and the fear sets in.  But it’s rarely much more than daydreaming.  I can’t seem to find any worry (or excitement) about the future.  Call it 1, 5, or 10 years down the road, I have no idea what it will be like then, and though it’s probably crass to say so, can’t bring myself to care.  I just shrug the worries off.  This may seem convenient, but when mixed with my anti-empathetic here and past, it’s hard to deal with.

I don’t do well around the emotional events.  Deaths especially don’t make me jump.  I have many losses, but none have precious loss value.  Grandmas and Grandpas and Grannies and others have passed on, and I have no sense of attachment, though I know in my logical mind that I wish they were still here.  I am unhappy when knowing that it isn’t too long before my last Grandpa’s passing, but only in that practical way that seems to be all that I can muster for emotion. 

I can’t, and haven’t ever been able to envision the future very well.  I haven’t ever been particularly surprised about the future, and when looking into that mirror, I don’t think I feel much of anything to see what I was.  Were I to see into the future at 15, or 17 years old, I’d probably shrug and say “okay, I think that’s cool.” I sure didn’t think anything of my future back then.  Sometimes I’ll get locked into fear of “what will happen next” but it’s never associated with important stuff, but usually the improbable or impossible.  Work-related challenges or child-raising challenges usually drive me nuts and it’s mostly like trying to figure out a soduko puzzle (I’ve never managed to solve one of those things - I’m mathematically retarded).

I joined the Navy because it “made” something for me to do next.  I didn’t do it for “my future” as all the advertisements used to say back then.  I didn’t know what the heck I was supposed to be doing in the future.  I didn’t foresee my family until a few years later.  I didn’t put any thought into marriage or kids at any point until I was oh, about 20 or so.  Then, of course, I was the lost poet type who romanticized everything and mooned over vapors and visions.  None of that was foresight, really.

There was one point, a short few moments of maybe months in 1995 where I actually saw Anika.  I saw Molly then, too.  I just can’t explain how I saw, but I knew them and that they were coming.  But I could never have envisioned the circumstances of our meeting, joining, or future together at any point, and still can’t.  I don’t have the gift, if that is it, that Lib has of connecting to future or past.  I don’t know if I want it, as much pain as it seems she has found there.  I can’t see past the end of my nose, future-history wise, and have no idea how to go about it.

In all, the ninja-master-MAAS-gamer-total-nerd-introvert (who hasn’t changed much at all since) that was me as I grew into self-knowledge would never have payed attention to the future that loomed ahead.  I wouldn’t have taken the time to look for that mirror that showed me the future.  I was oblivious to just about everything up until the last couple of years.  I’m still pretty dysfunctional as far as realizing the gravity of situations in my life.  I feel as selfish, blind and immature as I was 18 years ago and am not sure when (if ever) I’ll ever get the connection connected.  I sure envy Lib and my Anika and many others sometimes for their ability to be passionate and thoughtful about things that I have no idea how to approach.

This whole mess will probably make little sense, especially in the light of my writing and poetry, but it’s sort of the real me here as I feel and be, rather than as I present myself in words.  The poetry may well be my “passion” that never makes it out in other forums.  That could be a good thing, I guess, but I’m not sure.  That’s all I can think to put down right now, though, so…

OBTW, Gwennie has been better since about two days after my last post.  I am certainly embarrassed that I’ve posted nothing for so long.  Sheesh.  I think I need to go home now, I’m losing touch.

...OUT

Name:

Email:

Location:

URL:

Smileys

Remember my personal information

Notify me of follow-up comments?